Kobe - Beef, and Gaggles of Gaijin

Another one of my favourite cities in Japan is Kobe. As a JET Programme participant, we have the choice of re-contracting for up to 2 additional years, and if we choose to, we get sent to Kobe for the re-contracting conference. I am sticking around, and so I got sent there in May. I thought originally: "Ho hum, boring business conference, yawn," but I was pleasantly surprised. We still had to sit through a bunch of presentations, but many were useful, and even entertaining, like my friend Natalie's on how to learn kanji. Others were like sitting through a root canal, but not many.
The evenings were ours however, and we made the most of them. I went out the first night with Raph, a guy I had met on the Shinkansen on the way up. He is from Oita city, and when we met I kicked myself for not talking to him earlier because he's a really cool guy. We and a group of others went to Kobe's Chinatown for dinner, and had a spectacular meal. The buildings were as incredible as the food too. After, we wandered through the colorful electric cityscape and had some very good beer at a Belgian beer bar (say that 3 times fast). I was surprised however that I still couldn't get Stella Artois there, which in my opinion is one of the best beers made by man.
The next day was more workshops, and after that it was time to really get down to business, as it was our last big night. We went out and found a cozy little restaurant that served the world-famous Kobe beef, and as I've said many times since, it was one of the top 5 best meals I have ever had. Not only is the beef itself tender, juicy and perfectly marbled with the ideal amount of fat, but you sit directly in front of the grill as a master chef cooks it to perfection, piece by piece, before your eyes. This way each mouthful is warm and fresh from the grill as you bite into it. Sea salt, cracked black pepper, and roasted garlic are given to season, and the result is an A-list party in your mouth, with everyone invited. Kobe beef is to regular steak what regular steak is to week-old cow poop. Or MacDonald's.
Anyway, after this we went out for a few more drinks at a pretty authentic Brit-style pub, chatted to the wee hours and called it a night. The next morning there was some free time, so naturally it was dedicated to some souvenir shopping. I discovered that Raph is a raging manga fan, and for the first time I got a proper introduction to it in the many, many manga stores around Kobe. It truly boggled my mind there was so much, but when you consider that Japanese people read about 57 a day, largely in lieu of actual novels, you begin to understand why every convenience store has at least one shelf devoted to it. Then I went shopping for clothes, and managed to snag some very nice jeans in Kobe's trendy fashion district, before finally catching the Shink back to home sweet Beppu. I'll end by saying that if you are a visitor to Japan, or live here and plan to travel, the top cities to see in my books are as follows: Kobe (for the beef), Kyoto (for the culture), Tokyo (the beating heart of Japan), Osaka (for nightlife) and Miyazaki (for beaches, surfing and natural beauty). This is it so far, but if I find any others, you'll be the first to know. Next time: Japlish Part II.

Nara - Deer, and The Big Bronze Buddha

So, after Summer Sonic in Osaka, we were a bit burned out, but still had some time to kill on Monday. We all had the day off, and since we're always eager to see more of Japan, we decided to use the time to see Nara City in Nara Prefecture, the next one down from Osaka. Nara's claims to fame are the largest bronze Buddha statue in all of Japan, the beautiful and enormous temple housing it (Todai-ji), a spectacular set of 3- and 4-story pogodas, and the many tame deer that wander free through the city. The deer can be hand-fed, and have been declared a national treasure...they really love their deer.
We hopped on a train from Osaka monday morning, and 45 minutes later we were in Nara station. From there, we walked south through a covered shopping arcade full of variety, but since I was broke I had to curb my shopping addiction until I found the perfect souvenir.
We turned onto another street to find the pair of famous pogodas rising above an adjascent park, and went to investigate. The beauty of the multi-level temples and the park was uniquely Japanese, and it was made more amazing when we stumbled across our first deer. I've seen plenty in Canada, but only in petting zoos or fleetingly when camping or driving through the country, so you can imagine my surprise to see them lazing in the park, accepting "deer biscuits" and having their pictures taken with tourists. We stopped to feed them, snap a photo or two and even pet them, then we started making our way to Todai-ji and the Big Buddha. Not that you could get away from the deer, they were everywhere; on the sidewalks, standing casually about, like they were waiting for a bus.
We went east to the temple, but as in most tourist areas of Japan, we had to pass a gauntlet of stalls and souvenir shops. This is where my willpower broke down of course. It was worth it though - as we passed one store, Tash pointed out they were selling samurai swords (katana), or at least very good replicas, and that was it for me. I proceeded to buy one, as did Tash, and it was so awesome I didn't even mind lugging it around all day.
After that, finally, the temple. This was exciting for me, as a Buddhist, and as a fan of Japanese culture. I'd been looking forward to it for a long time. The temple itself cost about $5 (500 yen) to get into but I would have gladly paid double. The temple is truly astounding in its size and architecture, as are the immaculate grounds, but nothing prepares you for the moment you walk inside and are confronted with that massive, massive statue. It's a unique and monumental work of art, originally created as a talisman against plague hundreds of years ago. It's accompanied by several other statues, all fine examples of ancient Japanese artistry, but the Buddha is the showstopper. While there, we had our fortunes read (I have the best luck possible and am fated to travel, imagine that), and then we wandered off to find lunch. After being briefly assaulted by a deer who wanted to eat through the box carrying my sword, we managed to find a great udon place.
From there, having pretty much seen what we wanted to see, we wandered the park a bit more, taking in a bunch of other spectacular temples, then began to make our way back to the train station. We planned to take the local train back to Osaka, and had booked a shinkansen from there to Oita.
Our plans for the day almost went off without a hitch, but for one tiny detail. When we had first arrived at Nara station, Christine had put her backpack in a locker, a sensible precaution considering we had been walking all day. Unfortunately, neither Chris nor anyone else remembered this until we were halfway back to Osaka. Needless to say, she had to get off the train, go back and get it, missing her ride home, while the rest of us guiltily went back. She got her pack and made it back later that night though, no worries. She took it well too, and I quote: "Oh well - stupidity costs some people their lives. It only cost me 8000 yen." Ha. Don't worry Chris, if it hadn't been you it probably would have been me.

Usuki and the Stone Buddhas

Ok, since in the last few entries you got a taste of the big cities here, this time here's a peek at more rural Japan. Mr. Lee and I, bored in Beppu one weekend, decided that a drive in the countryside was in order. When we went to the map to figure out where, I mentioned that I'd heard about some big-ass stone Buddhas that had been carved into a cliff somewhere, and LeeSean just happened to know they were in Usuki, a small town about 45 minutes south-east of Beppu, so off we went. It was a picture-perfect day in early spring through largely unspoiled countryside, so the drive was a treat.
We got there early and it was quiet. A river flowed gently past stands of tall bamboo, and nearby an orchard of plum trees blossomed as we made our way in. Inside, we found a whole gaggle - nay, a plethora of Buddhas, some big, some small, some worn and ancient, some in showroom condition, and one that bore a striking resemblance to an older Marlon Brando. If you read the coming article about the giant bronze Buddha too, I won't need to tell you that he's a bigger deal than Elvis over here. It was indeed impressive, especially as the golden morning light shone down through the surrounding bamboo forest. Some of these, if you can imagine, were 30 or 40 feet tall - not bad for a glorified kind of grass.
The overall effect, with the big Buddhas and the big bamboo, was to make one feel like an ant inside a very pretty ant-farm. I think it's healthy though, sometimes, to just let go of your ego and stand in awe of something greater than yourself. I find it's an experience more common in Japan than in other places. The Japanese certainly love monuments, and never shy away from monumental undertakings. You should see some of the casinos!

Summer Sonic (Osaka Revisited)

I'm writing this just 2 days after returning from Osaka for the third time, to see the massive rock/punk/metal/techno-fest that is Summer Sonic. This was in the works for weeks, and it lived up to every expectation. There were four of us - Christine from Geos, Tash from Nakatsu, and at the last minute we were joined by one of the new girls in Beppu, Rachel. She just came in from New Zealand, and you'll surely hear more about her.
We left on the 11th, and took the ferry from Beppu to Osaka overnight, which was a first for me. It was massive, and had all sorts of comforts. We drank some beers on the deck as the sun went down, then went down to the restaurant, where we played cards till bedtime with some random Japanese guys who chatted us up and bought us drinks and ice cream. They spoke no English, but by practicing my broken Japanese I figured out they were truck drivers based in Osaka, and we managed to teach them to play Asshole just fine.
The next morning (shamefully early, I might add) we left the ferry and found our way to the apartment of a local English teacher who was putting us up (or putting up with us) for the weekend. After grabbing some more sleep we woke up around noon and began making our way to day 1 of Summer Sonic. When we arrived there by train we could hear the music thumping from 2 stops away, and after getting inside we wasted no time in sorting out what we wanted to see. Rachel ended up meeting another friend of hers and doing her own thing, which was more or less metal and punk. Chris was basically the same. That left Tash and I to see the rock and techno, so of we went.
First came the Kooks, and despite having heard almost nothing of them before, they were a really nice surprise. Then came the big one for me for that day, the Arctic Monkeys. My friend James from home had turned me onto them a while ago, and I like them a lot. Apparently so did half the people in Osaka though, because the line was enormous. It was worth it though, and I ended up hearing so much amazing new material that I went out and got the CD right after.
After that we changed stages, going outside to see Muse. They were good, but I'm not a huge fan - I pretty much knew them only for the cover they did of "Too Good to Be True". The picture is from that, only because the indoor ones didn't turn out very well. Then it was back inside for DJ Shadow, and I enjoyed him. He kept bringing out guests to sing with him, but I think they were expecting more of a reaction from the crowd. They probably didn't realize that the Japanese are a bit more reserved - they tend to sit at the edges of concerts sometimes, rarely jump or scream, and mosh pits are typically a no-no. I noticed this can bruise North American egos, but try not to take it personally guys.
To round out the evening we saw Massive Attack, and although I was never a huge fan before, they won me over. We were exhausted by then and were sitting on the floor ourselves at this point, but the music was chill enough to warrant it. After leaving we were swept up in the rush for the train, as thousands of people choked off the streets. We got lucky though and beat the rush, ending up back in downtown Osaka just 45 minutes later. We dined on some exquisite sushi, had a few drinks, and staggered off to bed.
The next day we decided to start late, because there was not so much we liked going on in the morning. Christine left early to go see some metal band, while Tash and I did some shopping and had a leisurely lunch before making our way there.
For us, there were only 2 bands on the books for that day - The Charlatans, and the BIG ONE, one of my favourites from university, Daft Punk. The Charlatans were great, another pleasant surprise, but I do have one criticism. Like the Kooks and Arctic Monkeys, these guys were from the UK, and as such the accent got laid on pretty thick. You guys should keep in mind that most Japanese kids have trouble getting regular English, and when you're talking in Cockney slang at 95 miles an hour, they're not going to have a fucking clue.
With Daft Punk though, not a problem. The language of crazy beats and laser lights is pretty universal, and they were usually good enough to flash the words on a 30-foot screen behind them as they went. The crowd went INSANE. The auditorium was packed with thousands of bodies, all sweating, cheering and dancing, despite the fact that we were crammed in tighter than Dolly Parton in a B-cup. Tash and I had an amazing time, and managed to snag Chris on the way out just in time to beat the rush again.
We got back downtown still charged up from the show, and decided to go for dinner and all-you-can-drink. It was the perfect cap to a perfect day - dinner was delicious, and we did indeed drink all we could. After, we actually tried to hit the same Absynthe bar I had been to before with LeeSean, but it wasn't meant to be. They were closing just as we arrived, and we got chased back to our friend's apartment by the rain. Sometimes you just have to take a hint, so we went to bed, to rest up for our excursion to Nara in the morning. That's a whole other story of course, so I'll save it for next time.

Yufuin, and the Amazing Summer Seminar Spectacular

I begin this article at least as I sit in Yufuin, a picturesque little mountain town in the centre of Oita prefecture. I'm here to participate in the annual English Summer Seminar, an event held for the benefit of about 150 Japanese kids from around Oita. The idea, basically, is that these kids are looking to improve their English by (in theory) speaking nothing but for 3 days. Meanwhile, we fabulous ALTs keep the party rolling by devising games, activities, skits and by basically making roaring asses of ourselves. I actually got a pretty cool activity, the English Olympics, in which I put the kids through their paces with a number of English-based sporty-type activities. It's kind of cool to think that I'm actually the sportiest in our group (a.k.a. Sporty Spice), but then again that's not saying much. You know I kid because I love, guys.
Anyway, the camp has been running for 30 years, and I had the pleasure of participating for this big anniversary. I'd say it went off smashingly, and the kids seemed to agree. It was a great experience and we all enjoyed it immensely. In addition to the sports, I also sat in on a dance class where, if I do say so, I showed the kids a thing or two about shaking one's groove thang. We also threw the kids a party where we all did the "Time Warp" (again), put on a play, and held a talent show in which yours truly wowed them with the poi (remember those?). I also found time to improve my juggling and met a whole lot of smashing new ALTs, so all in all it was a productive week.
The whole idea is a brilliant one, and was organized very well by Rhoda Marshall and Tom Collins (yes, like the drink), two local ALTs. It's really helpful for the kids, it's a great way to form friendships, it gives the ALTS who are fresh off the plane a taste of teaching, and it gives us old ones a break from the routine. It's really refreshing to have fun with kids who understand you and who like English, as opposed to regular classes where unconsciousness and blank stares are the norm...
I'm definitely going again next year, and to be honest I dread going back to the routine in the meantime. In the next little while though, there will be lots to do, like welcoming parties for new ALTs, my long-awaited trip to Korea to visit my cousin Bryan and my sister Claire, and a road trip back down to Miyazaki. Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted!

Osaka/Kyoto - Castles, Monkeys and Temples, oh my.

I've decided I want to jot down a few more of my travels in Japan. I figure that by doing so I'll be giving everyone else a fuller picture of this diverse, beautiful, and yes, often strange country. As an added bonus, it will keep me from forgetting any of the good stuff later. Wise man once say: "Memories are precious, especially in country where alcohol flows like river." I'll try to do these places in chronological order from now on, but no promises.
So today let's take a look at Osaka. I went there with LeeSean just after Thailand, and it was one of my first major cities aside from Tokyo. Osaka is the third largest city in Japan, with a population of 2.7 million. I've been there twice since, having just returned after being there August 11-14 for the massive Summer Sonic rock festival. I think I'll start by giving you the details of the first trip now, and maybe next time I'll have the photos from Summer Sonic ready to do a piece on that.
So first, LeeSean and I went downtown and found a hotel, then wandered aound a bit checking out the many, many clothing shops. Osaka is renowned for fashion, and it's many tragic fashion victims. We then went to Osaka castle, or "Osaka-jo" to the locals. It's a reconstruction, because in the feudal period and in the transition to the modern era, most castles got burned to the ground in "aggressive negotiations" between the shoguns (regional warlords) and the central government. It's still damn impressive though, as the picture shows, and you do feel like you're stepping back in time when you walk onto the vast grounds. The elevator outside the castle kind of gives away the illusion though. There was a museum inside as well, with lots of neat-o samurai artifacts. Much to my disappointment however, they frown on people trying out the swords.
Later that night, we went to an Absynthe bar, the first time for me to try this famous drink. It was good, very sweet, but contrary to popular belief it didn't make me go crazy. Or not crazier, anyway. This was followed by some fantastic Thai food, and we called it a night.
The next day we had set aside for seeing more of downtown, and so we went to the Osaka Zoo. This was pretty good, but the monkey exhibit was a bit sad. These poor animals were stuck inside small concrete cages, did not look very happy, and the whole thing made me want to come back later and stage a jail-break. The elephants and bears didn't look much better. Allow me a bit of a rant here, as an animal lover, because I feel that this exemplifies how animals can be mistreated in Japan (although this problem certainly isn't limited to Japan). Places like the Osaka Zoo and some of the "Hells" right here in Beppu tend to cram animals into small, bland, artificial spaces where the animals have severely restricted movement. Due to lack of stimulation they often develop repetitive movements like swaying or pacing, and their misery is palpable. I also have a neighbor who keeps his dog on a two-foot leash for sometimes six hours a day or more, and it makes me want to pull out my hair. Granted, there are some places that get it right, like African Safari in Beppu. They have a huge space set aside so animals can wander around, feel like they're in a natural habitat and get sufficient exercise. This is how animals deserve to be treated when in captivity, and the message here is, if you can't provide this, DON'T KEEP THE ANIMALS TO BEGIN WITH!!! But I digress. At any rate, after leaving the zoo, a little depressed, we decided to drown our sorrows in some of Osaka's bars, and ended up having a very memorable evening. Further details available upon request through email only, due to PG-13 rating of this blog.
The next day was my last, and since we'd seen a fair chunk of Osaka already, we decided to take a short local train ride to Kyoto. Kyoto is a very old, very beautiful city, and one typically goes for the temples, because there are lots of them. If I remember correctly we saw three: Sanjusangendo, a hall containing 1001 Buddhist statues, Kiyomizu-dera, which displays a spectacular 4-story pagoda, and is a prime location for cherry blossom viewing in the spring, and finally Higashi-Honganji, which was...really big. They were all very unique and impressive, and I took about a hundred pictures. Also, there are still supposedly about 100 geisha left in Kyoto, but they were unfortunately not out that day.
After the last temple, I left Lee, who had to stay for a conference, and took the Shinkansen back to Beppu. Incidentally, the Shinkansen, or bullet train, is a great way to travel...I took it back from Osaka last night actually. Smooth, fast, comfortable, and there's even a lady that comes by with a cart full of snacks and beer. What more could you ask for?
So that's it for now, but I have like a dozen new pieces written that I've just been too busy to publish. I will get them done as soon as the heat and humidity stops sucking the life out of me. Cheers!

Cherry Blossom Season

So for Cherry Blossom season, we have to jump back to April. Around this time, the last chill of winter had disappeared, and a period of high winds ushered in a tide of warm air from the south that will flow over Japan for seven months or so.
This triggers the beginning of one of the most sacred and celebrated events in Japan, the blossoming of the cherry trees. Beginning in the southern island of Okinawa and slowly spreading north to Hokkaido, the many, many cherry trees that line the streets and dot the hillsides in Japan burst into flower. Some are white, some with a faint green hue, but the majority are a soft, beautiful shade of pink. Without seeing it in person, it's hard to convey the delicate, breathtaking and ethereal beauty of a stand of trees swaying in a gentle wind, as their petals drift lazily through the air to brush your cheek before coating the ground in a soft blanket of pink...this being one of those FEW occasions where the color pink is actually OK in my book. Its beauty rivals the autumn leaves in Ontario, as well as the lush, golden jungles of Thailand, but it is a fleeting beauty.
The Japanese revere the cherry blossom so much because its lifespan, only a few short weeks, echoes the passionate but often short lives of the samurai, and reminds us of the temporary and transitory nature of our own existence. Personally, I just thought they were pretty.
The 'hanami" is a great little tradition that goes with the season - the cherry blossom viewing party. While it may sound a bit dry (as the blossoms don't do tricks or anything) it's really more like 50% viewing and 50% drinking. Maybe 40-60, I can't remember. Anyway, since it's quite ok to drink in public in Japan (a fact I was tickled pink to learn of), people break out the sake, shochu, wine, beer, or all of the above and proceed to a nearby park. There, under the shade of the cherry trees, the Japanese proceed to drink like Canadians during "Hockey Night in Canada".
I went to one of these at a castle in Oita city, and it was more fun than a barrel of drunken monkeys. Victoria was there, and Christine, the Geos teacher in Beppu. This was one of the first times I really hung out with Chris, and she would later become a great friend. Also there were a bunch of Japanese English students who looked as if they had just ransacked a distillery. We sat on a tarp, under some trees at the edge of the castle's moat, and here is where it starts to get a bit fuzzy. We went to eat after, possibly for Yaki-niku, but don't hold me to that, because the Emperor could have asked us to dine at his palace and I probably wouldn't remember.
At any rate, I consider my first hanami a roaring success, as I got a tonne of good pictures, had a blast, and only drank away one or two I.Q. points. The picture is pretty self-explanatory; me, under the trees, by the castle. So till next year, kampai! (Cheers.)

Japlish (a.k.a. Fractured English)

So now that I've spent a year living in Japan as an English speaker, I feel I can say with some confidence that the average Japanese person has a heartwarming enthusiasm for English culture, and consequently the English language. However, as touched as I am by such enthusiasm, it does not, unfortunately, always translate into ability.
While many businesses have goods and slogans in English, and many teenagers wear clothes branded with English phrases, I have serious doubts about whether any of these have been subjected to editing of any kind. In fact, if some of these phrases came from a native English speaker, I would deeply suspect some kind of substance abuse. Now, I am certainly not saying that Japan is bereft of any skilled English speakers - I happen to be friends with several. Not to mention the fact that their English beats the hell out of my Japanese. That being said, however, I have seen some mangling of the language here that is so ridiculously funny I decided I had to share it. I'm sure there's a Japanese guy out there somewhere with a blog showing just how badly foreigners mangle Japanese, too. At any rate, I only poke fun because I think it's cute, so let's enjoying together, OK?!

From a goldfish peddler's cart: "Guaranteed Pure Gold Fish."
From an Osaka pediatrician's office: "Specialist for the Decease of Children." (I'm guessing he doesn't get many return customers.)
From a store selling eggs: "Extract of fowl." (Could sound more appetizing.)
From a petshop in Osaka: "Fondle Dogs." (I wonder, is that considered animal abuse?)
From an airport in Haneda: "We Take Your Bags and Send Them in All Directions." (Hey, points for honesty.)
From a Niigata hostel: "The elevator is fixed for the next day. During that time you will be unbearable."
From a gift left in a hotel room at Tokyo's Dai-Ichi Hotel: "Room-boy is a present." (Really? How generous.)
From a bridge near Fukuoka: "Cars will not have intercourse on this bridge." (Quite a shame, I'd like to see that.)
A street sign in front of the Teito Hotel in Tokyo: "Vertical parking only."
Signs erected by the thousands across the country: "Quietly!"
A sign at a Ropongi intersection: "Have many accidents here!" (Well, if you insist.)
On a medicine bottle: "Take three tablets a day until passing away." (Actually, could I get a refund?)
Headline in the Asahi Evening News: "Solution to Loatian Crisis Remains Unsolved."
From a fur shop on Namiki-dori, Tokyo: "We make fur out of your skin." (Hannibal Lector, CEO.)
From a dressmaker's shop in Kamakura: "Ladies have fits upstairs."
From a ladies sportswear store in Shinjuku: "Unthinkable Color Combinations!" (Methinks there's a grain of truth to this one, but more for Japanese teenagers.)
On a menu: "Rogue Fart Cheese." (Sure, slap that on a cracker for me.)
In a Shinjuku bar's bathroom: "To stop drip, turn cock to the right." (Most of us shake, but who am I to argue?)
A commercial establishment advertising its new business activity: "No more whorehouse. Now Number One Laundry. You come all same please."
In a brochure for a bus company: "Tour the backside of Japan." (I think this may have something to do with that last one.)
The widely publicized motto for the Japan Toilet Society: "Clean, Fresh, I am Toilet." (Yeah I know...Japan Toilet Society?!)
On a teenager's sweatshirt: "Many things un-understandable, a chicken-hearted seems slim usually." (Sorry, shirt also un-understandable.)
Another sweatshirt: "Mr.Zog's original sex wax. Never spoils. It's best for your stick." (Can I order this online? Do they take Visa?)
At a barber: "Heads cutting only 1500 yen. For bald men 900 yen."
A hairdresser's sign: "Parm - in shampoo cut blow." (...Ouch?)
On a fish tank in Okinawa: "No smorking in building." (Smoking? Or Snorkeling?)
On a Mos Burger parking space: "Stuff only." (Vague...)
On a T-shirt: "Dick Swiveller." (She probably didn't know her T-shirt essentially said "I like to rotate penises.")
On a pencilcase: "CATS KNOW VARIOUS THINGS." (Made more ominous by the capitals.)
On a sweatshirt: "This is not Secret Service. This is Secret Force." (Not so secret now, hmm?)
An actual brand name for a clothing line: "Wanky."
A sports drink: "Pocari Sweat." (I'll stick with Gatorade, thanks.)
On a pencilcase: "Spanking! By the sea." (What this has to do with pencils I really don't know.)
A sign for a bridal store: "Let's Wedding."
A kind of liquid soap for the shower: "Body Soup."
On a T-shirt whose onwer almost certainly had no clue what it said: "I'm a bitch so suck my titties!" (I kid you not.)
On a T-shirt worn by an 8-year old boy: "Future F.A.G." (So much for 'Don't ask, Don't tell'. I hope his clasmates can't read that.)
Another T-shirt: "Hippies are made to keep assholes." (And where do they keep them exactly?)
Several actual Japanese bands: "Sound Masturbation", "Bathtub Shitters", "Flying Testicles". (In fairness, North America has produced the Butthole Surfers, Rainbow Butt Monkeys...and hey, where does this butt fascination come from?)
The following are traffic instructions distributed by a police station in Osaka:

1. At the rise of hand policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him by or other wise disrespect him.
2. When a passenger of the foot have in view, tottle the horn, trumpet at him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, tootle him with vigor and express by word of mouth warning "hi, hi".
3. Beware of the wandering horse, cow or pig that shall not take fright as you pass them. Do not explode the exhaust box at them. Go soothingly by.
4. Give space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.
5. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.
6. Go soothingly on the grease road, as there lurks the skid demon.
7. Press the brake of the foot as you roll around corner to save collapse and tie-up.

Gold, pure gold I tell you. Next, we have a classic example that comes from the post-war era when Douglas MacArthur was directing the occupying forces in Tokyo. He was a possible candidate for the U.S. presidential elections for a time, and a group of Japanese supporters hoisted this banner over busy downtown Tokyo: "We Pray for MacArthur's Erection."
This is just a small sample of the many titillatingly twisted uses of English I see all the time. There are times when I see something, just walking down the street, and burst out laughing so hard people probably think the weird foreign guy is having some kind of episode. I'll do my best do bring you more, as there is never a short supply - my own students are a vast, vast, goldmine.

Myths About Sushi, and Other Japanese Foods

So I'm a bit of a "foodie", in case you couldn't tell. Coming to Japan, I admit that initially I was a bit worried, since raw fish hadn't really been on the menu in Canada. Plus, I'd heard horror stories about ALTs being given foods at parties that normally you couldn't pay them to eat, but who had to choke it down anyway or risk offending the host.
When I arrived, I kind of had to dive in, and I knew it. I swallowed my pride along with my gag reflex, but lo and behold I was (mostly) pleasantly surprised. There are, of course, some items that I discreetly push to the side of my plate or scrape into a flowerpot, but not that many. In fact, the traditional Japanese diet is much healthier than most in North America, which certainly helps explain why they live longer here, and why there are only like three fat people in my whole city.
As for sushi, let me just say that if you have never eaten raw fish, you are indeed missing something good. There's a heap of reasons that people here eat it like North Americans eat pizza. Firstly, don't worry about bacteria, because the stuff you eat is always really fresh. Most places have fish tanks, and often they dispatch your dinner about a minute before you eat it. Sometimes, as in the case of my friend in the picture, the fish is still twitching when it comes. I do admit though, it's weird to eat a meal while it's staring back at you. Secondly, hygiene standards here are really high, better than anything you'll find in North America. I've worked in kitchens before, trust me on this one. There have been many times that Taco Bell has made me run for the toilet, but not once with the food here. Thirdly, no cooking means less waiting! It's the ultimate fast food. Fourth, sushi is rediculously good for you. Rice, meat, a few veggies - high protein, nutrient dense, and little fat. It certainly won't go to your ass as fast as McDonald's will. Finally, and most importantly, you must realize that by cooking fish you change the flavour and texture completely, not always for the better. When combined with a piece of warm, sticky Japanese rice, dipped in soy sauce and dabbed with a bit of wasabi (Japanese horseradish), a chunk of raw tuna melts in your mouth and has a rich flavour like nothing else. I also recommend octopus, bream, shrimp, crab, salmon, sea urchin, sea eel, mackerel, and of course, blowfish. Each has a unique taste and texture, and because portions are small, you can try them all through the course of a single meal.
Moving on from sushi, I should mention also that the Japanese have a great fondness for noodles, which coincidentally so do I! Usually very healthy, they come in a lot of varieties. My favourite is Udon, which are thick white wheat noodles, great to slurp and typically served in a fish-based broth. I even invented my own variation. Also popular are Soba, thin buckwheat noodles sometimes served cold, and which are sometimes eaten on special occasions like New Years to represent a long life. A dish borrowed from China, immensely popular but horribly fattening is Ramen, thin noodles served in a hot pork broth, often seasoned with sesame, black bean paste, chili or chopped onion. The pork broth is tasty, but basically it's like liquid bacon...great hangover food though!
Some other popular foods borrowed from China are Gyooza, fried pork and vegetable dumplings, and Shuumai, steamed meatball dumplings. Another fixture in any city, borrowed from Korea, is the Yaki-niku restaurant, which literally means grilled meat. This is like a big indoor barbeque, with a grill at each table. Sometimes gas, sometimes hot coals, and the smoke is pumped outside to lure in passersby. You can buy strips of beef, pork, chicken, squid, scallops, shrimp or veggies, all of which frequently come in special marinades. This is great for a night out with friends.
Some other popular and more traditional Japanese foods include Tempura, or deep-fried, lightly battered fish and veggies, Yakitori, or grilled chicken on sticks (anything tastes good on a stick, right?), Tako-yaki, or fried octopus dumplings, and Okonomi-yaki, a kind of pizza cooked with batter, meat and tons of veggies on a hotplate. My adopted Japanese family made this for me last week, and it was so good I'm definitely thinking of buying my own hotplate.
Also surprisingly popular, in a land where food is traditionally low-octane, is Indian-style curry and rice. Some places serve it so hot it will singe your nose-hairs and bring tears to your eyes. However, I should note that Thai curry is hotter - you could use that to strip furniture.
I could go on - the Japanese love to eat almost as much as they love to drink - but I'm starving now. Next time, my topic will be "Japlish", or "Fractured English", which is always good for a laugh. Here's a sample:

From an Osaka pediatrician's office: "Specialist for the Decease of Children."

Thailand, part 4 - Camping, giant lizards and Bangkok revisited

Next in Thailand came the final leg of our journey, camping on an island in the Andaman Sea. We got up early, and by longboat (of course) we were ferried to another island. This place was actually a national park, and during the day it's quite a tourist hotspot, with fleets of boats lining the shores. By night however, we would have the park almost to ourselves, and we were scheduled to stay for 2 nights.
At first we set up camp, and then took swim after swim in the crystal blue waters, because DAMN it was hot. And this, remember, was in January; previous years would find me in a parka, chiseling an inch of ice from my car windows. So after loafing about a bit, our guides conspired to once again cram us onto a boat, but what came next was worth it. We were taken to the mouth of a sea-cave, again shoved into the sea, and all of us proceeded to feel our way through this cave in pitch blackness. This wasn't the good part, in case you were wondering. When we got through the cave however, we were dumbstruck. The sea had carved out a huge column in the rock, and the sheer walls encircling us climbed a hundred feet above our heads. Below, the small sandy lagoon was bordered by a small patch of lush plant life, where birds chirped and butterflies flitted through shafts of golden sunlight. This was the definition of paradise.
After reluctantly leaving this place, it was back to camp for a demanding afternoon of frisbee in the surf, and lying in a hammock. It was a special evening though, because it happened to be Victoria's birthday, and she demanded to be spoiled rotten. Happy to have any excuse for a party, the rest of us were happy to comply.
After getting dressed to kill in the sarongs we had picked up on Khao Sun Road, we first had an amazing fish dinner, giant barracuda I believe, courtesy of our hosts. The picture shows all of us, just about that time, as the sun set on our party. Then, as Vic sat in her freshly woven crown of wildflowers, the drinking games began. This was followed by a serenade from one of our hosts who had brought a guitar, and then Vic's birthday cake, which was actually a stack of pancakes, but we won't split hairs. We would later stumble to our respective tents, stuffed, flushed and happy.
The next morning began with me stumbing to the bathroom, only to be confronted with a 4-foot long monitor lizard blocking my path. The island was crawling with these guys, and I'm only marginally more fond of lizards than I am of sharks, so I peed in a bush. Later that day, Lee, Mark and I went on a trek through the jungle on the island (no lizard encounters, thankfully) to a hilltop overlooking the island and the ocean for miles around. Then, joy of joys, it was to be more snorkeling. I got roped into this because everyone else was going, and at first I resisted, but with no fat Germans in sight, I finally went in. It was neat, and there was a lot to see, I admit - hundreds of kinds of fish and coral, but the whole time, in the back of my head, I swear I could hear the scary music from Jaws. Fish look better as sushi anyway, in my opinion. Later we played cards, drank beer and called it a night.
We left the next morning for the mainland, and then spent an hour in a van on our way to our next destination, Trang. This place was supposed to be great for local coffee and food, but it turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. It was hot, crowded, the local market smelled like cat pee for some reason, and the coffee gave me the runs. I was happy to leave and get on the train back to Bangkok. Once again this was a sleeper train, and we arrived in Bangkok the next morning after we spent the night - you guessed it - playing cards and drinking beer.
So as the official tour wrapped up, we had a final night in the Vieng Thai on Khao Sun Road. There was a goodbye dinner, followed by a night out, the details of which are so fuzzy I won't even hazard a guess. Then the next day, we had another stay at the Asha Guest House before our flight out in the morning. We went out to the downtown core of Bangkok, and tried to drink in as much of it as we could, pardon the pun. A sumptuous dinner, dancing, some new friends, and aside from saying that I barely made it back from downtown in time to get the plane, I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
I have a passion for this country now, and would go there again in a heartbeat. The people were warm and generous, the land was like something from a fantasy, and the great company made it truly complete. Except for Bob, of course. Wherever I go from now on, it will be measured against Thailand.