Japlish (a.k.a. Fractured English)

So now that I've spent a year living in Japan as an English speaker, I feel I can say with some confidence that the average Japanese person has a heartwarming enthusiasm for English culture, and consequently the English language. However, as touched as I am by such enthusiasm, it does not, unfortunately, always translate into ability.
While many businesses have goods and slogans in English, and many teenagers wear clothes branded with English phrases, I have serious doubts about whether any of these have been subjected to editing of any kind. In fact, if some of these phrases came from a native English speaker, I would deeply suspect some kind of substance abuse. Now, I am certainly not saying that Japan is bereft of any skilled English speakers - I happen to be friends with several. Not to mention the fact that their English beats the hell out of my Japanese. That being said, however, I have seen some mangling of the language here that is so ridiculously funny I decided I had to share it. I'm sure there's a Japanese guy out there somewhere with a blog showing just how badly foreigners mangle Japanese, too. At any rate, I only poke fun because I think it's cute, so let's enjoying together, OK?!

From a goldfish peddler's cart: "Guaranteed Pure Gold Fish."
From an Osaka pediatrician's office: "Specialist for the Decease of Children." (I'm guessing he doesn't get many return customers.)
From a store selling eggs: "Extract of fowl." (Could sound more appetizing.)
From a petshop in Osaka: "Fondle Dogs." (I wonder, is that considered animal abuse?)
From an airport in Haneda: "We Take Your Bags and Send Them in All Directions." (Hey, points for honesty.)
From a Niigata hostel: "The elevator is fixed for the next day. During that time you will be unbearable."
From a gift left in a hotel room at Tokyo's Dai-Ichi Hotel: "Room-boy is a present." (Really? How generous.)
From a bridge near Fukuoka: "Cars will not have intercourse on this bridge." (Quite a shame, I'd like to see that.)
A street sign in front of the Teito Hotel in Tokyo: "Vertical parking only."
Signs erected by the thousands across the country: "Quietly!"
A sign at a Ropongi intersection: "Have many accidents here!" (Well, if you insist.)
On a medicine bottle: "Take three tablets a day until passing away." (Actually, could I get a refund?)
Headline in the Asahi Evening News: "Solution to Loatian Crisis Remains Unsolved."
From a fur shop on Namiki-dori, Tokyo: "We make fur out of your skin." (Hannibal Lector, CEO.)
From a dressmaker's shop in Kamakura: "Ladies have fits upstairs."
From a ladies sportswear store in Shinjuku: "Unthinkable Color Combinations!" (Methinks there's a grain of truth to this one, but more for Japanese teenagers.)
On a menu: "Rogue Fart Cheese." (Sure, slap that on a cracker for me.)
In a Shinjuku bar's bathroom: "To stop drip, turn cock to the right." (Most of us shake, but who am I to argue?)
A commercial establishment advertising its new business activity: "No more whorehouse. Now Number One Laundry. You come all same please."
In a brochure for a bus company: "Tour the backside of Japan." (I think this may have something to do with that last one.)
The widely publicized motto for the Japan Toilet Society: "Clean, Fresh, I am Toilet." (Yeah I know...Japan Toilet Society?!)
On a teenager's sweatshirt: "Many things un-understandable, a chicken-hearted seems slim usually." (Sorry, shirt also un-understandable.)
Another sweatshirt: "Mr.Zog's original sex wax. Never spoils. It's best for your stick." (Can I order this online? Do they take Visa?)
At a barber: "Heads cutting only 1500 yen. For bald men 900 yen."
A hairdresser's sign: "Parm - in shampoo cut blow." (...Ouch?)
On a fish tank in Okinawa: "No smorking in building." (Smoking? Or Snorkeling?)
On a Mos Burger parking space: "Stuff only." (Vague...)
On a T-shirt: "Dick Swiveller." (She probably didn't know her T-shirt essentially said "I like to rotate penises.")
On a pencilcase: "CATS KNOW VARIOUS THINGS." (Made more ominous by the capitals.)
On a sweatshirt: "This is not Secret Service. This is Secret Force." (Not so secret now, hmm?)
An actual brand name for a clothing line: "Wanky."
A sports drink: "Pocari Sweat." (I'll stick with Gatorade, thanks.)
On a pencilcase: "Spanking! By the sea." (What this has to do with pencils I really don't know.)
A sign for a bridal store: "Let's Wedding."
A kind of liquid soap for the shower: "Body Soup."
On a T-shirt whose onwer almost certainly had no clue what it said: "I'm a bitch so suck my titties!" (I kid you not.)
On a T-shirt worn by an 8-year old boy: "Future F.A.G." (So much for 'Don't ask, Don't tell'. I hope his clasmates can't read that.)
Another T-shirt: "Hippies are made to keep assholes." (And where do they keep them exactly?)
Several actual Japanese bands: "Sound Masturbation", "Bathtub Shitters", "Flying Testicles". (In fairness, North America has produced the Butthole Surfers, Rainbow Butt Monkeys...and hey, where does this butt fascination come from?)
The following are traffic instructions distributed by a police station in Osaka:

1. At the rise of hand policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him by or other wise disrespect him.
2. When a passenger of the foot have in view, tottle the horn, trumpet at him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, tootle him with vigor and express by word of mouth warning "hi, hi".
3. Beware of the wandering horse, cow or pig that shall not take fright as you pass them. Do not explode the exhaust box at them. Go soothingly by.
4. Give space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.
5. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.
6. Go soothingly on the grease road, as there lurks the skid demon.
7. Press the brake of the foot as you roll around corner to save collapse and tie-up.

Gold, pure gold I tell you. Next, we have a classic example that comes from the post-war era when Douglas MacArthur was directing the occupying forces in Tokyo. He was a possible candidate for the U.S. presidential elections for a time, and a group of Japanese supporters hoisted this banner over busy downtown Tokyo: "We Pray for MacArthur's Erection."
This is just a small sample of the many titillatingly twisted uses of English I see all the time. There are times when I see something, just walking down the street, and burst out laughing so hard people probably think the weird foreign guy is having some kind of episode. I'll do my best do bring you more, as there is never a short supply - my own students are a vast, vast, goldmine.